By Daniel Hooker
I had to cut ties with an old friend who was dragging me down.
Yup, mountain climbing is a hard sport.
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I took a laxative before New Year’s Eve, just so I wouldn’t drag myself through the same manure as last year.
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My friend made a suggestion for traveling free. He said we should disguise ourselves as luggage for the Hawaiian Airlines baggage check-in.
We got the right stickers for Maui. When we arrived, he was dizzy and passed out at the carousel. I thought it was terminal, but he came around.
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I met a microbiologist the other day.
He was a lot bigger than what you would expect.
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My new girlfriend wanted to meet this morning at the gym. She never showed up.
That’s when it hit me.
We were never meant to work out.
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A funeral director tried to sell me a coffin. He said, “It’s a New Year sales event!”
I said, “That’s the last thing I need!”
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Whenever I see a plane, I always ask, “Is it on the level?”
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My girlfriend threatened to feed my dog my dinner if I wasn’t home in 15 minutes. No one deserves that kind of treatment. I was home in 10 minutes.
