By Daniel Hooker
Q: What do you call a detective who accidentally solves crimes?
A: Sheer Luck Holmes.
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Wife goes into the kitchen and sees her husband at the table, and says: “What’s wrong? You look depressed.”
He says, “Someone stole my coffee cups.”
She says, “So, what are you going to do about it?”
He replies, “Well, I already went to the police station. I spent an hour looking at mug shots.”
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Q: Why don’t witches use the most popular dating apps?
A: Because their ancestors had problems with matches on Tinder.
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Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern?
A: Pumpkin pi.
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Q: What do you call a funny mountain?
A: Hill-arious.
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I told my doctor when I got into his office that I broke my arm in two places.
My doctor responded, “Stop going to those two places.”
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Q: What do sheep drive?
A: Lamborghinis.
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I have an inferiority complex.
It’s not a very good one.
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As a senior, I like modern conveniences. Recently I bought some Velcro sneakers.
I wouldn’t suggest it. They’re a total rip-off.
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Here’s an old Bob Hope joke:
Q: What sound does a 747 make when it bounces in a landing?
A: Boe-ing, boe-ing, boe-ing.
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At 67, I just discovered after an eye examination that I was color-blind.
Yup, the news came out of the purple.
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Q: How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
A: He has the right ear, the left ear, and the final front ear.
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We had a windstorm, and it blew away 25% of my roof.
Oof!
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Did you know the military term, “Halt, who goes there,” has literally been around for sentries?
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I have a pet termite, and he wears a very small cowboy hat.
Yep, I’ve named him: Clint Eatswood.
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Q: How to you get Pikachu on a bus?
A: Poke ’im on.
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Q: What’s the difference between a sock and a camera?
A: The sock takes five toes and the camera takes fo-toes.
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New York is the complete opposite of Minnesota.
Why?
Because New York is the Big Apple, and Minnesota is where the mini apple is.
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Q: What do you call a Frenchman who’s just been attacked by a cat?
A: Claude.
Daniel is raising funds to self-publish a book of his jokes. Look for donation boxes in various businesses on the Island. Feel free to take a holiday card as thanks for your support!
