One week before winning this year’s NFL Super Bowl, Jody Allen, long-time manager of the Estate of Paul G. Allen, a family trust that owns the Seattle Seahawks, issued a statement saying the team was not yet for sale.
On February 18th, only ten days after a triumphant victory in Super Bowl LX, the estate kicked off a formal sale process. The Allen & Company investment bank and Latham & Watkins law firm have been designated to handle negotiations. As Paul Allen’s will stipulates, all proceeds will go to philanthropy.
But there are some important caveats. NFL rules require one person to own at least a 30% majority share of any team, and to pass a rigorous vetting process. Additionally, 24 or more of the 31 existing team owners must vote to approve the purchase. Assuming a sale price of (a widely rumored) $11 billion, a 50% or more ownership stake, plus current residence in North America, an already thin field of potential new buyers narrows to 9 people, 4 of whom dislike football.
The remaining 5 are Larry Ellison, Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, and Elon Musk.
As editors of the Vashon Loop, we reached out to all of the above for comment. Only Elon Musk has so far responded, and he confirms strong interest in buying the team. Per his preference, we interviewed @realElonMusk on X, his privately owned social media platform (formerly Twitter):
The Loop: Hello Elon! Thanks for responding so fast. You and Jeff Bezos have both been rumored to be vying to buy the Seattle Seahawks. Is there any basis to that speculation?
Musk: Bezos is a putz. He won’t be buying the Seahawks or any other franchise.
The Loop: What about Bill Gates, Larry Ellison, or Mark Zuckerberg? Gates grew up in Seattle.
Musk: Zuckerberg? LOL. They’re all has-beens. It’s sad. Epstein’s buddy is trying to run some [expletive deleted] digital ID scam on Europe right now and Microsoft Outlook just crashed the Artemis II voyage around the moon. Thank God NASA wasn’t using Teams.
Seattle is synonymous with innovation and tech leadership; it fits perfectly with where we’re going. Actually, we’re already there. The 500,000 square-foot SpaceX factory in Redmond puts out 100 Starlink satellites every week.
The Loop: We have to ask. If you buy the Hawks, will you keep them in Seattle?
Musk: Of course that would be my intent. But a wise man said that everything in life is a negotiation. Owning a team provides certain leverage over government, and we have to move Falcon Heavy rocket production away from California soon. Despite some low-level dysfunctions, Washington has basic energy advantages. Move the team? Well. Issaquah is interesting, or Boise.
The Loop: Hmm. That’s somewhat reassuring. Obviously you’re famous for thinking big and following through. In that vein, what innovations might you bring to the Seahawks?
Musk: Exactly. So watching the Super Bowl with my kids and the clones, I thought, wow. This team is Other Worldly. They should be called the Spacehawks. Or maybe the X-Hawks. That’s where it started.
And then I thought, what if we installed Neuralink in the players? Think of the incredible data we’d collect with that. We could feed patented analytics back into improved performance and upgreade (sic) the entire sport while we dominate. We’ll make it the Neural Feedback League.
The Loop: That truly would be innovation. You’ve been a controversial figure, some might even say an outspoken one. The not-yet Neural Football League is kind of the opposite. How would you pass the vetting process and gain the necessary approval of the other team owners?
Musk: Easy! Money. If they unwisely attempt to thwart my will, I could just buy the entire league organization. It’s a profoundly corrupt monopoly based on questionable legal status.
Speaking of which, Commissioner Goodell, Central America and South America both presently lack football leagues. I would just hire the top players away to Mexico City and Sao Paolo. Presto. The players leave their tax problems behind.
The Loop: Well, look at the time. We’re sure you’re very busy as always. Do you think the rumored figure of $11 billion is too expensive? The last team to sell was the Washington D.C. First Peoples (formerly Commanders) for only $6 billion in 2023. When would you anticipate getting this deal done?
Musk: A billion here, a billion there, it’s not about that. What matters is where you go with it. It’s about trillions and whatever it takes. The Spacehawks will be the first team to integrate AI into every play, right down into every coach and every player.
Every move, every decision will add to the excellence, all protected under the Digital Millenium Copyright Act. The alternative buyer is a lame Shanghai-based private equity consortium. I see no reason we can’t get a deal done by April First. Go Spacehawks!
